A guide to manipulation tactics and strategies used by abusers and manipulators.

The Manipulation Protocol

How to recognise psychopathic manipulation behaviour and what to do about it

Feb 26 2022 (Revised Dec 2025 with cited sources)

To make it easier for people to learn how to eliminate toxic people from their lives, I devised a short set of memorable keywords that can be used to help remember how to identify the behaviours of manipulators. There are 9 core tactics and with the knowledge of these, and how to respond to them, you can dramatically change your life for the better.

The first rebuttal that I get after I explain these things, usually before I even get started explaining it, is a classic gaslighting attack, which is: "Blaming other people is the behaviour of psychopaths." Yes, it is true that manipulators cannot recognise or accept their responsibility, but when we tolerate this behaviour we put them in charge of our lives—and this is easy to fix, the sooner action is taken.

The 9 Tactics of Manipulation

To make them more memorable, I trawled the thesaurus to find a set of words with a common initial character. C seemed to be a good choice. Each tactic has a "How to react" section with a single keyword that should inspire the correct response. With experience, one becomes able to preempt and counterattack when these tactics are first witnessed with a new person who is seeking to take control of the social environment you are in.

1. Charm

The usual first and often primary tactic of manipulation doesn't seem unfriendly at all. When you first come into contact with a manipulator, they will usually attempt to charm you. It can be hard to recognise the difference between genuine warmth and the tactics of a manipulator winning your trust, but once you know it, you will never be vulnerable again.

In cults, there is a procedure called "Love Bombing"—the result is that the vulnerable target becomes infatuated with the attackers and the group they represent.[^1] Research shows that love-bombing behaviour correlates with people who have low self-esteem, exhibit narcissistic tendencies, or have an insecure attachment style.[^2] It doesn't matter whether it is one person just gaining your trust or a group—the tactics are the same.

Confession — Very often the manipulator will start by "confessing" something to you, gauging your reaction. This is designed to cause a mirror reaction in the target, prompting them to confess in return. This creates false intimacy and is related to Chasten (see below).

Conspiracy — Also related to the Conspire tactic noted later, this is an "Us versus Them" element which creates an illusion of membership in an exclusive club.

Confusion — To reduce the chance of you realising something is afoot, they may also confuse you with the way they speak. The rapid "patter" commonly seen in con artists is one form—anything that makes you confused is a red flag that you're being manipulated.

There are other elements to this, but the way you can recognise what is happening—if you don't see how they did it to you—is that you will feel inexplicably infatuated. When it was done to me by a potential employer in an interview, I told myself it was some kind of "bromance" and felt very weird. I recognised something but could not put my finger on what was happening. It was manufactured infatuation.

How to react: Alert!

If you notice the tactics mentioned above, try to make excuses for why you have to part company. Fabricate some reason—an appointment, discomfort, anything that will stop them talking to you. A study of 484 participants found that love bombers are typically impulsive and impatient[^1]—if you express that you wish to slow down the pace of the relationship, pay close attention to how the other person responds. Are they receptive or defensive? Their response reveals their intentions.[^1]

Setting and testing boundaries early is crucial. Practice saying no and observe the response.[^1] Confusing them is often a very effective technique—start acting unpredictably, and they will realise they are not dealing with a victim anymore.

2. Confuse

This is a core, number-one tactic used in almost all cases. There are many ways to confuse: through sleight of hand, fast indistinct speech, rapid changing of direction of attention, and so on.

Note that this tactic can sometimes accompany various methods of trance induction as seen in hypnosis. Music and rhythmic speech can cause the brain to enter a "programming mode" in which the words create subconscious suggestions that motivate action in the manipulator's favour.[^3]

Gaslighting is a specific form of confusion—a type of psychological abuse where a person causes someone to question their sanity, memories, or perception of reality.[^4] Signs you may be experiencing gaslighting include: constantly second-guessing your decisions, apologizing even when you don't think you've done something wrong, and leaving confrontations feeling more confused than before.[^4]

How to react: Evacuate!

Being so primary, this one got a nickname for recognising it:

The Whisky Tango Foxtrot Protocol

If you are feeling confused when someone is communicating with you, they may be trying to do things you're not aware of that could hurt you significantly.

As with most of these tactics, first response is to flee the presence of this person. With confusion tactics, you can pretend confusion to confuse them back, creating an opportunity to disappear.

To defend against gaslighting specifically: keep a secret diary recording the date, time, and details of what happened; talk with someone trustworthy who can act as a witness to events; and take photographs that can help "fact check" memories.[^5] Research indicates that "inoculation"—pre-exposure to weaker manipulation challenges—enhances critical thinking, emotional regulation, and pattern recognition under stress.[^3]

If confined with the person, do something to make them feel like they are wasting their time. The main thing is to develop a strong sense of self and not let it affect you.^6

3. Charge

Charge is more often recognisable as accusation. A person who engages in manipulation will use charges against their target in order to invoke Chasten (see later), and the primary purpose is to deflect attention away from the mischief the manipulator is engaging in.

This tactic is formally known as DARVO—an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. The term was first presented in a 1997 article by Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon.[^7] DARVO is a fusion of gaslighting and blame-shifting. As Dr. Freyd described it: "This occurs when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of 'falsely accused' and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation."[^7]

DARVO unfolds in stages: Deny ("That never happened." "You're imagining things."); Attack ("You're being dramatic." "You're the real problem."); Reverse Victim and Offender ("I can't believe you're treating me this way.").[^8]

Note that a common primary form of this attack combines with Confuse to accuse you of being weak of mind or in some way crazy. They might literally say "crazy," or call you some kind of name or accusation such as "junkie" or "drunk" or "idiot" or "ingrate" or other "shameful" social status label.

How to react: Suspect!

When dealing with DARVO, your greatest asset is knowledge—you know the strategy and the pattern, which prepares you for what's to come.[^9]

If you see someone doing this to others, you can watch the behaviour of their target and start to understand what is going on. If you already knew this person was always accusing people, you are looking at a probable manipulator.

First reaction is to cut contact, end communication. There is no response you can make to an accusing manipulator that will stop them—the more you try to defend yourself, the more ammunition you give them.[^8]

Don't expect to "win." A narcissistic person is not going to accept any evidence you may have. They can be very elusive when it comes to accepting responsibility. It's not about winning—it's about showing that DARVO doesn't work on you anymore.[^9]

Stay grounded in reality. Remind yourself of your own experiences and perceptions. Trust your instincts and intuition, and don't allow the perpetrator to gaslight or manipulate you into doubting yourself.[^8] Document everything—if met with this response, write down your account right away so you can return to it often.[^8]

4. Chain

This is something you will see when a manipulator is operating what can be recognised as a Cult of Personality. The essential thing going on here is: once the manipulator believes they have their hooks into you via other tactics, especially Charm, they will then make their work easier by putting you into an isolated container with others they have control over.

Isolation is often implemented gradually, so you hardly notice it happening until it's too late. In the early phase, they might say things like, "We don't need anyone else, we're perfect together," or, "Your friends just don't understand you like I do."[^10]

Common isolation tactics include: monitoring your communications, controlling your finances, dictating who you can and cannot spend time with, criticising your loved ones, and using "flying monkeys" to cut off your lines of support.[^10]

Isolation creates dependency. You may come to rely solely on them for emotional support, companionship, and validation, losing your sense of self-sufficiency. This dependency traps you further.[^11]

How to react: Evade!

If you are already this deep into the process of being taken over, you are in trouble. First step is to get out.

Reach out to trusted friends or family even if it feels awkward at first. Seek therapy or support groups that specialise in narcissistic abuse recovery. Set clear boundaries around your time, communication, and personal space. Rebuild confidence through hobbies, exercise, or activities that reinforce your identity outside the relationship.[^10]

Understanding that isolation is not a reflection of your worth, but a tactic used by the manipulator to maintain control, can be empowering. This awareness is the first step towards breaking free from the cycle of isolation and beginning the journey to reconnect with others and yourself.[^11]

If they are in a position to control your environment like this, it is possible that you may have to pay a heavy cost to sacrifice whatever "perceived benefits" being part of their group may provide—you have to forget about them, let them go, get them out of your head. At all costs.

5. Chasten

This is something that is easier to see being done to others, as it involves Charge from the previous item. It is more often referred to as "Public Humiliation" and is a part of the process of maintaining control over an individual and keeping them in a submissive frame of mind.

Humiliation is a deeply painful emotion that strikes at the core of a person's identity and sense of self-worth, going far beyond mere embarrassment or shame as it involves a public rejection or invalidation of one's social status or desired identity.[^12]

Research shows that humiliation is associated with academic failure, mental illness, racism, family conflicts, poverty, criminality, and organizational ineffectiveness, as well as adverse impacts on self-esteem and marital relationships. It has also been linked with suicidal tendencies and homicidal behaviour.^13

People who described feeling humiliated said they felt "wiped out, helpless, confused, sick in the gut, paralyzed, or filled with rage." They felt as if they were "made small, stabbed in the heart," and the experience often remains vivid and fresh in their minds for years.[^12]

How to react: Preempt!

If you are being accused and induced to make confessions to the manipulator, or are watching them do it to other people, you can be certain that you are dealing with a manipulator. This is a further elaboration past the accusations from Charge, in which shame is used by doing the accusation in public, around a group of others who are also under control (see Chain).

Stay calm. When you're humiliated, try to remain calm. Reacting with anger or frustration can escalate the situation and harm your reputation.[^14]

Don't retaliate. Humiliation is a mixture of anger and shame, so retaliation or revenge can feel like a good way to get your self-esteem back. But someone who humiliates others to feel powerful is very likely to turn nastier and strike back. Not retaliating, however, does not mean being weak.[^14]

Don't internalise it. By responding to humiliating acts with your strong, personal attributes, you may be able to down-regulate the humiliation. When internalisation doesn't occur, the emotional experience of humiliation will not be felt as strongly.[^14]

This is also a point at which, in a covert cult of personality where control is not total, a counter-attack can be launched to lure the manipulator into a trap of their own making. During this process, the manipulator is vulnerable to becoming humiliated themselves if you can bring evidence and there is weak enough control in the social milieu—this can take a big chunk out of their influencing power.

6. Coerce

Coercion is the manipulation of a person's actions by falsely framing their other choices as offences, to which the Charge (and then Condemn) tactics will follow.

Coercive control is a strategic form of ongoing psychological and emotional abuse based on control, manipulation, and oppression.^15 It involves making a person subordinate or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance, and escape, and regulating their everyday lives.^15

One of coercive control's major warning signs is loss of ownership: "Your money is no longer yours; your time is no longer yours; your space is no longer yours; your body is no longer yours. You begin to have less and less say over your life, your time, and how you spend it."[^16]

This form of psychological abuse often develops gradually in relationships, starting with affection and admiration before shifting to controlling tactics that may isolate the victim from friends and family.^15

How to react: Refuse!

First of all, doing what they want you to do is going to harm you—if not directly, it will harm your ability to defend yourself and your loved ones.

Second, you must not bow to the pressure. This is why in all cases of reacting to these manipulations, the first option is escape.

Third, pretending compliance is a dangerous path. Getting false certification, for example, of having complied, can lead to more trouble where you are now actually doing wrong things.

Create an escape plan. When ready to leave, make sure you have a safe place to go that is unknown to the abuser. Think about how you will support yourself—trusted friends, family, or carefully vetted private charities may be able to help. Be cautious with institutional assistance, as bureaucracies can sometimes harbour manipulators who may later leverage your situation against you.[^17]

Maintain open communication with your support network. Ensure trusted family and friends know about your situation. Talk with trusted people outside of your relationship about what's happening as a way to strengthen your perspective. As experts note, "There is a good reason you are forbidden to discuss the relationship with your friends and family—because the abuser understands that their own behaviour is wrong."[^17]

The general nature of how to respond to coercion is to simply smile and nod, and then continue as though you didn't hear them. Then you can use confusion tactics to either fool them into thinking you are just confused, or to "waste their time" which will lead them to pay less attention to you in future.

7. Condemn

This is also known as "Punishment" and involves such things as being cut off from essential supplies, excluded from shelter, and so on. This is where you also see detention, imprisonment and torture, all the way up to execution. Condemnation is always public and isn't necessarily physical attack, but may harm you in other ways, relating to your outcast status at this point.

A primary form of condemnation is the silent treatment—a form of emotional abuse where someone refuses to engage with you. The silent treatment is the deliberate refusal to communicate as a form of punishment or control. Unlike a healthy request for space, the narcissistic silent treatment is unexplained, indefinite, and designed to cause distress.^6

The unpredictable cycle of punishment and reconciliation creates what psychologists call a trauma bond. When the manipulator finally breaks their silence, the relief feels intense—almost euphoric. This intermittent reinforcement creates trauma bonds that function like an addiction.[^18]

Manipulators' primary malfunction is that they experience pleasure in the opposite way to normal people. Normal, healthy humans have a "mirror" response sometimes called empathy or sympathy. When they smirk or grin after you point out they did something nasty to someone, you should see red flags.

How to react: Fight!

I wish I could say that this isn't what has to be done, but yes, you have to fight back with every fibre of your being at this point. Every tactic you can bring to bear: to confuse the enemy, to sabotage their equipment, to resist them. Of course the reaction needs to be proportional to the degree of damage being inflicted upon you.

If you're in a relationship with someone who uses the silent treatment, hold healthy boundaries and learn how to say no. Try to restrain from giving in to demands that you don't want to do.^6

Acknowledge how you feel—people using these tactics can be unpredictable, and you may feel angry, hurt, sad, frustrated, or confused. It's OK to feel this way. Pause before responding and consider taking space to acknowledge your feelings and practice self-soothing techniques before trying to re-engage.^6

Remember that you are not alone and you do not deserve to be treated this way. It may be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional, as well as educate yourself on the signs of narcissistic abuse and learn how to set boundaries.^6

This is a good time to resist because if they think they can punish you, they think they have control of you. You can recognise manipulators by this behaviour more than any other—when you witness them engaging in Condemn behaviours, watch for that tell-tale smirk of pleasure.

8. Conspire

This is a tactic used to create a proxy to attack a target. The manipulator will probably use Charm techniques to attempt to gain your cooperation, Charge the target with some perceived offence, and then try to implant the suggestion of an attack they want you to perform for them.

This is formally known as "Triangulation"—a manipulative technique that involves bringing a third person into a dynamic to control the situation and make others feel inferior.[^19] The manipulator pits supporters (also known as enablers and "flying monkeys") against a targeted rival in order to Divide and Conquer.[^19]

"Flying monkeys" in this context refer to people who are manipulated or influenced by a manipulator to carry out their bidding—the term comes from the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz who were under the control of the Wicked Witch.[^20] As psychologist Elinor Greenberg explains, "Flying monkeys serve to reinforce the narcissist's reality, often without understanding the full picture. They are the unwitting soldiers in the narcissist's personal army."[^19]

Flying monkeys typically: spread gossip (helping amplify the manipulator's lies and distortions), apply pressure (pressuring the target to conform or comply), and isolate the target (contributing to the target's isolation and feelings of alienation).[^19]

How to react: Inform!

If you are already suspecting this individual who is attempting conspiracy with you to be a manipulator, you should make sure that the target knows it. The number one thing that manipulators are afraid of is being recognised.

Set firm boundaries. Once you understand what's happening, protect your mental and emotional space. This often means establishing firm boundaries—not just with the manipulator, but also with their flying monkeys. These boundaries might involve limiting contact, refusing to engage in drama, or asserting your truth calmly and without apology.[^21]

Limit information sharing. Limit what you share with those who seem aligned with the manipulator, even if they're family. Not everyone deserves access to your inner life.[^21]

Assume caution with everyone. Because flying monkeys are not always obvious, it is essential to protect yourself. There is no way to know for certain where an abuser will find their flying monkeys, so assume that everyone has the potential to be a flying monkey until proven otherwise.[^21]

Be aware that it can be the case that the target is also a manipulator, which can create a pincer action to pin you down. Note that this is not a frequent situation—manipulators rarely cooperate with each other except to not expose each other. But if it is, hopefully you will be aware of this before you attempt to counterattack.

9. Cornucopia

This is the most subtle and insidious tactic. Essentially, it is the offering of unearned, undue gifts from the attacker. The attacker will also usually act offended when you offer to pay it back.

According to research by Hyun, Park, and Park (2016), narcissists give "gifts" that represent an investment in their own desires—not from the desire to please others. You don't get expensive gifts from a narcissist because they think you are awesome; you get valuable gifts because they want you to continue to think that they are awesome.[^22]

Unlike regular gift-giving, which is a gesture of affection or appreciation, narcissistic gift giving is a strategic approach used for manipulation, control, or to assert dominance in a relationship. These gifts often come with hidden motives and strings attached, reflecting the narcissist's self-interest, need for admiration, and lack of genuine empathy.[^23]

They engage in love bombing—whether with time, money, attention, gifts, status, or favours—to build you up, affirm you, and make you feel special and important. But soon, those gifts and favours are weaponised to manipulate and control you. They'll make you feel like you owe them, and that sense of indebtedness makes it incredibly hard to set boundaries or say no.[^24]

Narcissists rarely give without expecting something in return. Their generosity is highly conditional. They keep a mental ledger of all their gifts, ready to call in a favour when it suits them. This creates a power imbalance in relationships.[^24]

How to react: Spit!

The manipulator means to gain control of you by this gift. Usually the gift is not even really the property of the attacker, but something they have acquired through prior graft and manipulation, or even straight-up robbery.

First, you can make a public noise about the fact that this person is giving you a stupid and unreasonably extravagant gift.

Second, spit in their face about it—whether literally or figuratively, it doesn't matter. They gave it to charm you. The correct response is to make a spectacle of the fact they did it, and make as much use of it as you can. Give it back to the victims they stole it from, perhaps. There are many options.

It helps to stay focused on the long term. Taking something now means giving something later. If you're not prepared to be indebted to this person, the best thing to do is to deal with the discomfort of refusing a gift.[^22]

Remember: true generosity doesn't come with strings attached.[^22]

Conclusion

Hopefully this gives you a good starting point to work from in order to transition to living a life free of the pernicious influence of manipulators.

Note that in all cases, it is not your responsibility to help other people directly. Simply abandoning the manipulator is a huge attack against their control. You will not be able to effectively counterattack while you still have unrecognised control conditioning implanted by manipulators operating within your personality.

Some recovery tactics are simple—what may be called "mindfulness." Others are not so easy. Sometimes the conditioning is very deep and touches on base instincts.

I won't deceive you by saying that it's easy. It takes a lot of courage to break out of the control of manipulators. It takes a lot of love of yourself.

What started me on the road to my first major, real escape was exactly love—as I watched my newly increased wealth from my new jobs being chipped away at a rate of 20% by my "friends," I became motivated to escape them so that I could direct my wealth towards people I loved, like my sister and mother.

So this does go somewhere, even if it doesn't start with self love. It can start with love for others, and then you will soon discover that it is an aspect of your self love at play—the self that is part of one's family, tribe or nation.

Good luck in your future battles with manipulators! I hope this inspires more liberation from psychological slavery in the world around me—that is my deepest desire and reason for the research and writing of this article.

We are in a dire situation in the world, at this time, with networks of manipulators closing their net on everyone. If you are concerned about the bigger picture, then let me reassure you: You can't possibly help the bigger situation if one pitiful manipulator can play you like a musical instrument.

Go forth, and liberate! May God be with you!

References

[^1]: Psychology Today. "8 Ways to Defend Yourself Against Love-Bombing." Mindful Dating, May 2024.

[^2]: University of Colorado Health & Wellness Services. "6 Things Everyone Should Know About 'Love Bombing'."

[^3]: ARTT Research. "Psychological Manipulation Tactics Framework." Discourse Labs.

[^4]: Cleveland Clinic. "Gaslighting: Definition & How To Spot It." Health Essentials.

[^5]: Medical News Today. "What is Gaslighting? Examples and How to Respond."

[^7]: Freyd, J.J. (1997). "Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory." Feminism & Psychology, 7, 22-32. Cited in Narcissistic Abuse Rehab.

[^8]: Choosing Therapy. "What Is DARVO & How to Resist It."

[^9]: Sentient Counselling. "How to Handle the DARVO Method." March 2023.

[^10]: Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. "7 Isolation Strategies Narcissists Use to Separate You from Your Support Network."

[^11]: Rucker, S. "Why Narcissists Isolate You: Understanding and Breaking Free."

[^12]: Hartling, L.M. & Luchetta, T. (1999). "Humiliation: Assessing the Impact of Derision, Degradation, and Debasement." Cited in PMC.

[^14]: Psychology Today. "7 Ways to Respond When Someone Shames You." The Couch, October 2017.

[^16]: WomenSV. "Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Exposes Overt and Covert Coercive Control Tactics." September 2024.

[^17]: iFlow Psychology. "What is Coercive Control? Warning Signs and Exit Strategies."

[^18]: Gaslighting Check. "The Silent Treatment: How Narcissists Use Silence to Punish and Control."

[^19]: Dashnaw, D. "Triangulation and Flying Monkeys." Daniel Dashnaw Couples Therapy.

[^20]: CPTSD Foundation. "How Covert Narcissists Use 'Flying Monkeys' to Create Trauma and CPTSD." December 2024.

[^21]: Psychology Today. "3 Tips to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist's 'Flying Monkeys'." Invisible Bruises, March 2023.