**According to New Study, People Who Avoid Meetings Are Humanity’s Final Hope**
A groundbreaking study from the Institute of Behavioral Paradoxes has discovered that antisocial and introverted individuals are, in fact, the only functioning members of modern civilization. The rest — talkative coworkers, small-talk enthusiasts, and “let’s do lunch” types — are now officially classified as a mild evolutionary error.
*“For decades, we’ve believed that avoiding office birthday parties or declining Zoom invitations was antisocial behavior,”* explains **Dr. Lindsey Quietman**, lead author of the study. *“But our data shows these individuals are simply responding appropriately to an overstimulating nightmare called ‘society.’”*
The research claims that so-called extroverts exhibit a neurological overreaction to silence, forcing them to fill every peaceful void with meaningless chatter. *“It’s like tinnitus,”* says Quietman. *“Except instead of hearing ringing, they hear an unbearable urge to talk about their weekend.”*
**The evolutionary puzzle**
According to co-author **Professor Simon Alone**, extroversion likely persisted through evolution for purely accidental reasons. *“Loud people reproduced more easily,”* he said. *“Not because they were better — they just wouldn’t stop talking until someone gave up and dated them out of exhaustion.”*
The paper speculates that, in a natural environment without smartphones or HR departments, extroverts would have gone extinct within weeks — either eaten by predators attracted to their constant jabbering, or politely bludgeoned by an introvert who just wanted silence.
**The proposed cure**
The researchers suggest several urgent reforms to society’s extrovert-centric structure:
- Phone calls should be banned, replaced entirely by text messages and emails.
- Mandatory small talk before meetings should be punishable by mild community service.
- Open-plan offices should be converted into quiet zones or terrariums for observation of remaining extroverts in captivity.
*“This is not about punishing extroverts,”* clarifies Dr. Quietman. *“It’s about saving the rest of us before they invite us to ‘just one more happy hour.’”*
The findings have sparked outrage among extrovert advocacy groups, who responded by organizing a press conference, three club parties, and a singing flash mob to “raise awareness.” The scientists declined to attend.