request for advice regarding family (for a person who's completely scarred from having a difficult family life growing up): how to stop seeing family as a burden? (like, the entire concept of "family".)
i grew up with difficult parents, where everything was governed by sacrifice, burden, obligation, etc. no one was happy, but everyone was trying hard. after trying really really hard to make my parents happy for many years, i realized that there was nothing i could do to make them happy, so i stopped.
i now live very far away, have my own life, and rarely see them. i still talk to them on the phone a fair bit (and it feels like a burden), but i can manage it.
recently my mom came to visit for a week, and as usual, i put my life on pause and spent all my waking hours taking her around and making sure she was happy. she was staying in the guest room of a friend of mine (who has a good relationship with her family) and my friend was shocked to hear that i would be relieved (instead of sad) when my mom left. she honestly couldn't understand it. it left me feeling guilty and ashamed.
but the truth is that i find it exhausting to be around my parents because it's 100% about their needs and i just have to meet their high expectations or fail. maybe it sounds selfish to say "when i'm with them, it's not about me", but that's exactly what i don't like about family: that it's just obligation. i don't feel anything positive afterwards. i guess i feel some satisfaction from a "job well done" after sending my mom back home with her having had a nice vacation, but that's all it is: i just feel like i fulfilled my duty and now i can go back to my life. i guess that's a horrible thing to think, right?
anyway, my friend can't believe that i see my parents this way. i also see having children this way: that it's just a 20 year slog of obligation, sacrifice, work, and doing things you don't want to do, to take care of someone who will probably be ungrateful in the end.
i'm obviously scarred by my difficult experience growing up (I have CPTSD), and i'm ok with not having children, but i do wonder if there's a healthier attitude i can have toward the entire idea of family. if anyone has any ideas on how i can change my perspective, i'm all ears.
#CPTSD #family #advice #MentalHealth #DamagedGoods