I'm a 22 year old cis female. For nearly as long as I can remember, I have had intense and compelling fantasies about 'letting myself go' by gaining a lot of weight and eating whatever I like. For instance, when I was a child I used to stuff pillows under my shirt. I am frequently bothered by fantasies about gaining weight. Sometimes I feel aroused when I eat. Otherwise, I am romantically and sexually attracted to men. But my weight gain fetish exists, as Ray Blanchard says about autogynephilia, in 'dynamic competition' with my normal sexuality. Obviously, I can't actualise these fantasies in real life, because the shame and the physical problems it would incur would interfere with my general life goals and my chances of finding an intimate partner.
All of this confused me a lot when I was an adolescent, but now I've come to terms with it. Learning about scientific literature related to fetishism as a confused adolescent got me interested in learning about trans issues and the contested concept of 'autogynephilia' I developed some thoughts that people in this subreddit might find useful.
Having a weird fetish which makes you want to do things which hurt your physical health and which society disapproves of is like having a weed in the garden of your sexual-romantic-life. If you try to kill it, it will only evolve back stronger and the other plants in your garden will be affected by the herbicide you used. If you try to uproot it and put it in a separate, hidden box, then as soon as something bad happens to you and you start being a negligent gardener (by neglecting your meatspace relationships while using a lot of porn related to your fetish, say), it will find a way to grow out of the box, and you'll have to use herbicide and uproot it again to get it back in the box, and that takes time and effort and secrecy. The goal should be to somehow get the weeds and the socially normal plants to grow together, or even hybridise, in configurations that promote (or at least don't hinder) the development of trust-based, communicative intimate relationships.
This is of course not all your responsibility. Other people need to be tolerant about your having fetishistic desires.
But, what can you do?
Don't try to get rid of fetishistic desires you've had for many years. If they've been around, say, since early adolescence, before you ever encountered porn, they're probably never going to go away.
Think about how other people might react to ways you might actualise your fetish. Is there any way they might justifiably be made uncomfortable by any of the different ways of actualising it? For instance, many radical feminists intensely dislike things like drag and sissification porn, because they see it as promoting societal sexism and degrading concepts of women. (For examples of societal sexism, please begin with this MetaFilter thread: 
) Are such people justified in feeling uncomfortable?
Confession: I think the radical feminists are absolutely justified in feeling uncomfortable with sissy fetishism - many of them have been very much harmed by degrading stereotypes of women. I have been harmed by degrading stereotypes of women (I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable with all the hardcore porn images you have on the sidebars here, but I'm trying to be accepting right now because I think I have something which may be useful to people here). Further, I also suspect that MEF is partly caused by subconscious fear of women in childhood - from inference of my own experience of fatphobia in childhood apparently having quite a lot to do with my own weight gain fetish! But that doesn't necessarily mean that you can suddenly wish away this way that you've been for most of your life. It doesn't mean that you can just choose not to give yourself any outlet for these desires. If you've had them for most of your life, you probably do have a psychological need somehow to express them.
What would Jesus / Gandhi / Buddha / some highly ethical, selfless person do if he / she / they had your fetish? (no.. seriously.)
Try to imagine lots of little different ways in which you can express / actualise your fetish. Consider the long term ramifications of these forms of expression for your personal life ambitions.
The ways I intend to express my weight-gain fetish include: personal research into fetishism and sexual psychology, putting pillows under my clothes, fantasising, writing this reddit post, simply talking about it (with therapists, and with people I trust). But I intend to permanently quit using feederist porn, because it hurts women and it desensitises me to other sexual stimulus.
Once you've thought about this for a while, and really questioned your pre-existing assumptions about where your fetishistic feelings come from, what sustains/shapes them, and what you can do about them, come out to somebody in meatspace whom you trust and care about.
If there's nobody in your meatspace life whom you trust to react to your coming out in a calm, tolerant, and charitable manner - try somehow to find someone. But, try your best to find someone who is not involved in the community of your fetish.
Just because you have these desires, doesn't mean you're fated to transition. The only thing it means is that more than the vast majority of people, there is an itch in your psyche which only expressing your fetish can scratch. But, there are so many different ways you can express your fetish. It's not a zero-sum game of either looking at porn and having fantasies about full transition, or fully transitioning. (You might have a look at this blog - 
- for more on this idea).
Being closeted about your fetishistic desires and expression is compartmentalisaton, and compartmentalisation is a double-edged sword.
It's a double edged sword because: on the one hand, it reduces the emotional pressure on you to come out and find some way to integrate the fetishistic aspects of your identity into communicative, trust-based meatspace relationships. But on the other, it can lead you to inviegle yourself in relationships with people who have no idea about this part of you, and who might feel alienated or weirded out if they knew about it. This in turn can increase your frustrated desire for an outlet for your fetish, so that when that relationship ends, or there is trouble in that relationship, you might act on your suppressed fetishistic desires in an unhealthy or over-the-top way.
This kind of double bind has in the past led husbands having mid-life-crises to suddenly announce to their wives, completely out of the blue, that they are women and they're off to get HRT. You probably want to avoid that. Starting a conversation with your girlfriend (or even - gasp - parents) about these things will help you.
I came out to my family about my weight gain fetish. I'm lucky, because I have open-minded parents (I know a lot of you probably don't, which is sad..) We didn't have a conversation about it (because I was having a panic attack at the time), but it took a weight off my mind (pun intended).
Hope this helps some people. Remember that, if I were your girlfriend and you came out to me asking for help about this, I would absolutely accept you and still love you just as much as I had before (unless you were an unrepentant MRA who got this way solely through excessive porn use. Then I wouldn't. But I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.)
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